New Rules

We are in the sixth or seventh day of heat advisories here in the Land of Oz. Not an entirely novel state of affairs; although, we usually don’t get these extreme temperatures this early in the summer. No matter. It is what it is. Every time I hear myself moaning about the miserable heat and humidity, I remind myself how lucky I am not to have to work outdoors in it. Unlike the mail carriers, construction workers, and farmers, I have the luxury of ignoring the outdoor tasks requiring my attention, the flower beds that need to be weeded and most of the errands that need to be run. But it is hellaciously hot. Hellaciously. Even Teddy doesn’t want to go outside. Smart dog.

Even so, I would like to propose a new rule that would take effect when the thermometer and/or the heat index goes over 95 degrees, and that rule would be: No Makeup Allowed. Think about it, ladies. If we all agreed to this rule, none of us would stand out from the crowd. None of us could be singled out for ridicule when our lips disappear, our eyes recede into nothingness, and our age spots and red blotches come out of hiding. We’d all be lip-less, eyebrow-less wonders together. Moreover, none of us would have foundation and blush dripping onto the front of our shirts or smeared all over the ear pieces of our cell phones. Nor would we have black smudges under our eyes from wiping away the salty rivulets of sweat that keep dripping from our eyebrows onto our lashes. While we’re at it, maybe we should add an addendum stating that when the No Makeup Allowed rule is in effect, all hair must be worn plastered to the head. Completely flat. No fluffage. No exceptions. Think how much time, aggravation, and hair spray these few simple rules would save us.

If the men complain, we can just remind them that they’re not much to look at in this heat either. Even though they may not have eye shadow pooling under their chins, the dark stains under their armpits that blend into the dark stains running from collar to belt on their backs are not a great look either.

Something to think about.

2 responses to “New Rules”

  1. I love it. Here I thought this was going to be about not climbing on ladders. But I guess this was posted a day earlier. 😉

  2. I went to a wedding Sat and by the time I got to the dinner and reception my face had slipped down on my budda belly. It was not pretty I would have been better off with my ferret face that GOD gave me. Either way it was not pretty.

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